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Thursday, May 26, 2005

hey pretty girl, give us a smile

After days of basking in my own happiness and singing hymns on solitude, a dark cloud formed over my head.

I didn't want to get out of bed. My body felt heavy, my stomach bloated, my mind crowded with dark thoughts taking form. "Spoiled brat," said a voice in my head. "You're in the South of France, the air is warm, why are you so damn down?"

Normally I let depression pour over me in waves, I let it in, knowing that its force is unstoppable. But I didn't spend a year at university not to think things through.

So I thought back to my psychology course in critical thinking. I've got to asess the situation. There is something that has changed, some factor that has put me in this rotten mood. I thought back to philosophy, and transformed into a female Socrates, asking "Why? Why? Why?"

What was it that had changed and brought on this transformation?

In asessing my diet, I realized I'd been neglecting two very important things. For one I was eating barely any meat, as a semi-vegeterian "flexitarian", and for another I'd been drinking half as much water as usual.

I was mostly dehydrated, which had left me weak and sluggish. There was also a large amount of water weight sitting on my belly, which made me think I'd managed to pack on a good five pounds since I'd arrived. "Jesus," I thought, "I really need to cut down on that baguette." I even tried to do a leek soup cleansing I'd read about. It's supposed to last for two days, but after one meal of leek soup, I knew I'd rather die than not eat a real meal. I kept thinking about how the word die is in diet. So I had a big hearty dinner and giant mug of hot chocolate.

I never knew my physical state affected my emotional state so much, but after feeding my body all the love, nutrition and water it demanded, I'm a new woman.

I've been listening very closely to my body lately, and realize it's very important that I drink a lot of water, eat what I crave, stretch and sweat at least once a day. These are rules to live by.

It also helped to write it out. This came to me when I was querying my mood:

You’ve left me alone again.
You come to me in waves;
Shock my system,
Make love to me all night,
And leave before morning.
I wake up cold and miserable;
Fall back asleep,
Reluctant to ever leave my bed.
I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror;
Tell myself to exercise, to eat less,
But find I’m far too tired.
So I lay around,
And let the day inch by,
Searching for anything
To fill the void,
My body as good as dead.

As soon as I let myself love you,
Start to eat what I please,
Sleep when I like,
And feed myself pleasure,
You walk out on me.
It’s as if you’re saying:
“You’ve had enough.”
And my inner demons
Sing to me in rhymes.
I feel spoiled,
My body rotten,
And I hang my head in shame.
My waking life loses meaning,
Inspiration lost
In the evening sky;
The sun setting,
And forgetting to rise.

As soon as I think
I’ve lost everything,
You show up at my door.
A careless smile,
On your beautiful face,
Charming me to the core.
To my chagrin
I let you in;
Slide into you,
And stick to your skin
Like maple syrup.
I’m hypnotized by you,
Afraid to leave your trance,
I sacrifice my soul to you,
Lay my body in your hands.
Looking at you I know:
I don’t ever want to settle
For anything less.


Blogger Wenda said...

Oh Gill, to be well loved and to enjoy privilege is such a wonderful gift. Isn't it sad that anyone would want to undermine such good fortune by suggesting it has anything to do with "being spoiled". Sounds to me like some rotten projection, envy gone bad or wilting guilt ready to toss out.

11:00 PM  
Blogger Wenda said...

Or wilting guilt cooked down into a nutritious poetic meal steaming with awareness.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Definitely the meal, much more appealing than the rotten projection, and afterwards I had the same satisfaction gained from a delicious three course meal. Well put!

8:58 AM  

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