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Monday, October 17, 2005

the day i was born

Nineteen years ago today, my mom lay confused as doctors slit open her stomach, which she could not feel, and the most beautiful baby in the world came out.

Maybe not the most beautiful, as I was covered in blood and trying out my lungs, but she accepted me as hers and took me home anyways.

From then on I was the baby of the family. With two older brothers, I was the little sister, the female, and the spoiled little one. But they loved me, they all did, and they put up with me through tantrums and through my pink and purple phase.

Life has been good to me. I have a family full of individuals, strong characters who never tried to pull off the normal family stunt. It isn't rare to find my whole family in the kitchen at four in the morning. My dad will be coming home from work, my brother Mike coming home from a party, my brother Bren up reading, my mom waking up for the day, and me eating cereal because I can't sleep and felt hungry.

But I haven't always been good to myself. Adolescence brought on the typical woes. My boobs took too long to show up. My skin broke out. Parties made me nervous. All of a sudden everyone I knew was experimenting-with everything-and I wasn't ready. It was then that I started never being good enough for myself.

When I was 16 I slid a lady pink razor across my wrist but stopped at the sight of blood. When I was 17 I moved to Ireland, took up a fight against my body, lost too much weight, and gained a problem they say never goes away.

But then I turned 18. My whole life I wanted to be 18. I just liked something about the number. When I was 18 I grew to like myself again, I grew to love myself. Finally I could really love others again, because I was comfortable in my skin. In one journal entry, I finished by writing: "I am fucking fabulous." That's when you know you're doing better.

And as of today, I'm 19. And I actually do feel different.

I woke up this morning and danced on my bed. Threw my arms up in the air.

I took most of the day to myself, other than a few errands for the family, and walked taller than ever. I tied my hair back, pinned my bangs out of my face, and looked out at what the world had to offer me. The awkward teenage weight seemed to lift off me. Strangers smiled at me. French women were polite towards me. Men that weren't total sleaze bags even turned their heads.

When you feel good it shows.

And I saw the Paris I've been looking for. Felt the romance. Watched the leaves fall off trees. Relished in being able to go into stores of my favourite French clothing lines.

Tomorrow my week of work and early mornings begin. But I'm going to make an effort to keep this feeling.

I'm 19.

19

13 Comments:

Blogger Lucy said...

you're beautiful Gill, inside and out. Happy Birthday

love

Lucy

12:42 PM  
Blogger Nick Owens said...

Hey...so I'm Nick, and I'm visiting a friend in Wyoming and in killing time today I ran across your blog. It was an interesting read, and I guess I just wanted to say hey and that you look gorgeous...so you have every right in the world to feel fabulous ;)...if you want you can hit me up on my blog sometime or something...chat at ya later ;).....Nick

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The happiest of birthdays, beautiful girl.

Votre pap

1:47 PM  
Blogger baylor said...

you ARE fucking fabulous!

Happy Birthday!

All my love!

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Hayley said...

Hey Gill, I absolutly love your blog. I'm not sure if I ever met you, but if I haven't then I'd like to. Happy 19th Birthday!

9:53 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

Happy birthday pretty girl! 19 is an amazing age, and i promise you will love it.

12:38 AM  
Blogger Haley said...

Happy Belated Gill!

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey gill

its andrew, i also just had my bithday if you might have remembered. I also went on a nice sole even trip around vancouver (not paris unfortunately) and felt just as happy and excited to be 19 as you are. I cant wait for what lies ahead.


happy b day

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"solo evening"

6:29 PM  
Blogger Wenda said...

Gill, I missed the day, but not the celebration, I hope. I love this birthday confession. I wish you a great year.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

Happy Birthday, Gill. I hope 19 brings as much as 18 did. Enjoy it, and keep walking with the weight off your shoudlers.

we all miss you.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Jimmy Jangles said...

Woah G! I figured u for a mid 20 something. late happy returns or bonne anniveraire !

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, Gilly...
You have the same birthday as I do!

I came across your blog accidentally...and realized that you were the same girl I saw when you were only about 9 years old.

Please say hello to your mother for me.
Jane

9:33 AM  

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