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Thursday, February 23, 2006

open until midnight

The sound of my heart beating is almost deafening.

I feel alive these days. Snow falls lightly from the sky, and gusts of winds sneak into my jacket and run over my exposed skin, but I'm kept warm by something moving inside of me.

I want a lot out of life. I want the best of it. And yet sometimes my body and mind are so heavy, so cluttered, that I find it hard to crawl out of bed and face the day.

Sometimes I'm afraid that if I don't keep myself inspired, I'll crawl under the covers and never come out.

That's why I moved to Paris. To keep things interesting. To keep pushing myself. To stir things up a little. To put myself in a situation where I had to get up every morning and face a challenge. I need this.

The whole thing has been good for me. There have been times I've wanted to die, and yet there have been times I've felt more alive than ever.

Things are getting easier, and my relationship with the family I work for is blooming. I have found a rhythm to my job, and take satisfaction in knowing I do it well. Every day I grow more comfortable in my surroundings, saying "Bonjour," to more familiar faces every time I walk down the street. And best of all, my relationship with myself is as strong as ever.

Since I was young I loved being alone with my thoughts. As a teenager I drove my friends crazy when I would go silent for long periods of time, staring off at something distant. "Oh, you're in one of those moods again," they would say, obviously annoyed. But I was listening to my thoughts, trying to figure things out, and the outside world wasn't something I felt like belonging to.

I used to have a lot of issues with myself. There was always too much spinning around my mind at the same time. I never felt I could fit the standards set around me, and had a lot of trouble just liking myself.

Living in a strange city alone, with my own apartment, has given me a lot of solitude. And as much as I love people, and feed off their energy, I need a lot of time to myself.

Since I've been here my thoughts have become more coherent, my dreams more tangible and my goals more realistic.

These days I look in the mirror and recognize myself.

And when my inside world seeks inspiration, I have Paris. Tonight, on such an occasion, I took off to Palais to Tokyo, open until midnight, for some late night art and enlightenment.

asian girls in art
i'm standing in a work of art
the free man
i want this wall
lost world
i'm moving in

une scène artistique francaise émergente
Palais de Tokyo, 13 avenue de President Wilson
Metro Iena or Alma-Marceau

Tuesday to Sunday from noon til midnight


Anonymous ikea boy said...

j'adore le chateau.

3:36 AM  
Blogger bma said...

"And best of all, my relationship with myself is as strong as ever." Wonderful way of saying it. You are growing leaps and bounds. I'm still enjoying you.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

Beautiful artwork. Sometimes there is nothing better than just going to a gallery, enjoying art and being well, quiet.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That gallery looks f'ing amazing.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoops, the last comment should have been signed "Jenn in NJ"

1:55 PM  

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