Thursday, September 9, 2004, 10:26 PM

This morning I ate around half a tub of peanut butter. I don't know what it is about this food but I can eat it in the most obscene amounts. I ate it with apples, a spoon...and then ate two peanut butter granola bars. It was a state of binge eating I occasionally find myself in, only to feel like shit later for being so out of control. At dinner with my grandma I continued to eat copious amounts of food, eating a seafood feast, rice, salad, scone and some of her fish.

I am officially now against dieting, it has destroyed me in the past, but I don't approve of over eating either.

In the past dieting and the power of control over food drove me to an eating disorder. I never didn't eat, but calories were more important than anything. I would tell myself fattening foods weren't worth the guilt they provided. And they weren't. The guilt of anything that might have made me put on weight was heavier than any food. When I finally realized I had lost weight their were mixed emotions. Happiness. Madness. Sadness. I had lost the weight, but was I better for it? My bra was too loose, I felt it wiggle as I walked. My hair wasn't as soft and my skin held no radiance. It was very far from the glamour losing weight was supposed to have. Even less glamourous was having the doctor tell me my period had stopped. And so there I was, no breasts, no period, no longer a woman.

Can I blame myself? I do blame myself. But I also blame life, society, expectations. I guess it's my fault for buying into them. And yet a day doesn't go buy where people don't go on and on about calories. About how they could lose a few pounds. About how so-and-so lost this much weight. Students are always talking about "freshman 15". This is the term for the typical freshman, who is known to put on about fifteen pounds or more their first year at university. At times like this I must shut my ears. I will not repeat the same mistake again. I will not let the fear of gaining weight stop me from eating balanced meals. Stop me from socializing for fear of the food involved. It is not worth it. No size 6 pair of jeans is worth throwing everything in your life out of balance. Food brings people together, is one of the deepest pleasures, and is necessary to live.

This is a serious subject right now. There are too many women bingeing, starving and purging on a daily basis. Food or lack of food isn't the answer to any emotional issue. It is not meant to be an outlet of control. And yet somehow this is what it becomes. Sometimes it's easier to eat a jar of peanut butter than it is to cry.