out of the gutter

I sit in my room with the window wide open. I have a view of a staircase, an elevator, and buildings in the distance, beyond the balcony. I can hear sirens down the street, and a kid screaming in the apartment underneath me.

It’s hot and humid. I have a traditional nanny apartment, located under the roof, where the heat in summer is almost unbearable.

But I feel relaxed. I have a glass of red wine beside me, and a lightness to me I thought I had lost.

Walking back from the park with the kids today, the Eiffel tower lay before me, larger than life, glowing in the distance. And it hit me: I’m here. After months of envisioning my life here, it’s unwrapping before my eyes.

I’m here, with two small children that I have to feed before they start whining and gnawing at my nerves. I’m here, regaining my independence, living out a dream, and taking on an entirely new lifestyle.

Everyday I enjoy my own company more, and am remembering how much I love solitude rather than loathe it. When I’m not taking care of the children, it’s about me, and I indulge in this me time with gratitude.

I’m learning a lot about these miniature people that yell a lot. You know, the things that pop out of women’s swollen bellies? The things that make us buy condoms in bulk and pop a magic pill everyday? Kids. Yeah. Those.

And I’ve realized that it’s me who needs to be patient. It’s me who needs to realize that they are still developing and that I must be there to help them. It’s me who needs to realize that the moments when they grab my hand, or kiss my cheek, make it all worth it.

So here I am. Figuring it all out. Figuring myself out. High and low.

For my high of the moment, my boss is job hunting (interview with Chanel tomorrow…sigh), and has given me Friday and Monday off. To add to this, I have been given a train ticket to the South, to my village of memories, as a birthday gift from my mother.

I can hardly wait to breathe in clean air, see the stars and take off on long walks. To talk to people who don't own anything Louis Vuitton and have yet to discover Starbucks. I was once a true city girl, but these days I wonder. It seems I crave the simple things more than anything.

So it’s back to the country for the long weekend, and a taste of somewhere that feels something like home to me right now.

It’s good to see myself smile again.