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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

and so this is christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

We're playing Christmas carols, there's mistletoe on the table, most houses are covered in decorations and a large tree sits in the well of our town square...but I don't feel it.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's lack of eggnog, one brother, a tree, stockings or gift giving this year. Maybe it's just that my childhood innocence is fading. Or maybe that sweet anticpation that once filled our young hearts leaves us all at some point.

This town is locked with memories for me, and I find it hard not to dwell on summer. Most people have gone away, and those that stay here hibernate in their homes, close their shutters and try to keep their fires going. The bar is closed by nine every night. My favourite restaurant has closed it's doors until another season.

I miss warmth. I miss wanting to be outside. I miss the freedom I felt this summer.

After summer, a change in season and a job as an pair put a load on me. Everyday I'm filled with duties. Everyday I try and be responsible of other people, and start to forget about myself. My body, which was light and free this summer, has become strong and sturdy, and is more used to walking up stairs and carrying knapsacks than dancing and taking long walks. I don't feel light and free. I feel heavy, and so does my heart.

These days I feel like I need to be taken in someone's arms, and held for days, allowed to be weak and vulnerable, allowed to be loved unconditionally. A part of me is aching inside, and I don't know how to heal it. I crave love, passion, lust and beauty. But sometimes everything seems so bleak. Sometimes I feel like the frost that covers the ground is resting on my heart.

Luckily I'm in good hands. My family always manages to make me smile. Last night my brother and I poured vodka after vodka and poured our hearts out a little. It feels good to say how you really feel. It doesn't feel good waking up with a pounding head, but nothing comes without a price.

Life isn't always kind, but if offers itself to you daily, and you can't ignore it.

And so this is Christmas, and what have I done? I pushed my boundaries, moved to Paris, and have made a daydream a reality.

I may not always be happy, but every day I'm aware that I'm alive. I'll raise my glass to that.

3 Comments:

Blogger Electronsean said...

Merry Christmas from us Port Hopians!

4:39 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Right back at you! Hope everyone has a great Christmas. I'm back in Paris, where it's warmer, more decorated, and I'm feeling a little more festive.

1:48 AM  
Blogger baylor said...

Yes, you should certainly raise your glass to that! You are an inspiration!

1:21 PM  

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