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Monday, September 13, 2004

Monday,September 13, 2004

I don't know where to take you today. I'm struggling to write these days, and I apologize for all the unanswered emails I've left sitting in my inbox..I just don't want to force my replies. I don't want to write anyone words I don't mean. And so for now they'll remain unanswered.

I just came in from sitting outside in the quad, where a street lamp lit up my reading and I lit up a cigar. I read over the letter I received this morning from my mom in the mail, breathing the cigar deeply, but not inhaling. My mother is beautiful. My room mate complimented her and her cheerfulness in my summer photos I just got back. She writes to me and wishes me a life that is rich.

It is rich. I am still trying to make things happen, to make it as rich as possible, but it is taking me time. I work part time in a woman's clothing store filled with rich clothing. Making my own money and being surrounded by beautiful materials adds richness to my life.

The other night I vented my restlessness into a night of dancing with a friend on my floor. I got to know him better, a young guy from Thailand who lived in Australia, giving him the nick name 'Oz'. When I let my body move to the beat of good music, I feel alive, it is one of my best highs.

Tonight I set out on a mission to go to the waterfront, but a stranger stopped me and asked if I wanted to catch the tail end of a movie with him. It was one from the film festival, where you spend hours in line to get in, and the actors show up as well. I need moments of spontaneity so I agreed to go in. He was a funny young guy, I think he had ADD, unable to sit quietly during the movie. After some time I grew restless again, told him I had to meet a friend, and left the theater.

I still want to meet more people, to fall in love, to feel heartbroken, to scream louder, to cry, to feel something: all of the things you can't rush. All of the things you can't force. I just don't know how to tame this restlessness.


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