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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

take off your sunglasses

Did you see the light tonight?

It was gorgeous, golden. It was a soft mango, orange and red, ready to be eaten. It forced me to slow down my step, to sit on a bench, and to stop for the first time in days.

The sky was full of possibility. The city sat before me, and I hungered for it, but I didn’t know where to go. The only place that seemed right was the bench I was sitting on.

Suddenly I wanted everything. My flaws stood clearly before me and asked to be changed. My goals ran in front of me and asked to be followed.

But all I could do was sit still.

When will I know all the answers? Probably never. I'm still having trouble with the questions. When will my skin fit me like it should? Probably when it’s too late, wrinkling at every end.

I walked the streets in a red dress, romantic, happy, but wanting something more.

The men turned their heads, and yet it wasn’t them I wanted.

I stared at my reflection in a store window, but the girl in the glass didn’t have the answers either.

What is it I want? Peace of mind. Peace with my body. Courage. Completion. Some kind of satisfaction.

I’m walking towards all of it, it’s just going to take a while for me to get there.

There aren't any short cuts on this road, and I'm still so damn young and naive.

two faced
poser
long legs
a love for rooftops
it still stands
hope

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gillian,

You make think that you are naive, but your writing and your insights on life show such depth and character,that I have to disagree with you. Reading your writing is so refreshing because I can relate to your thoughts and your search for peace and satisfaction.
Maybe you'll find that the long, hard road is where the satisfaction will come from. If you think about it the shortcuts give a temporary victory but the overall lessons learned through challenges and work are lasting, sweeter and more meaningful. Of course it doesn't feel that good at the time, usually it feels sort of endless and empty-a constant battle with no end.... but for some reason....I know that I only know you through your writing... but I am sure that you will gain the courage you seek.

Bonne chance!

Raj

10:15 PM  
Blogger schuey said...

at least you try, and the important thing is not the result, but the quest.

12:18 AM  
Blogger NWO said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful!

6:27 AM  
Blogger A Novelist said...

Gorgeous pictures!

8:03 AM  
Blogger Kirti Chawla said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Wenda said...

"You are so young; you stand before beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Perhaps you are indeed carrying within yourself the potential to visualize, to design, and to create for yourself an utterly satisfying, joyful, and pure lifestyle. Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust, and as long as it comes from your own will, from your own inner need, accept it, and do not hate anything." ~ from Rilke's fourth letter to Kappus

"We must embrace struggle. Every living thing conforms to it. Everything in nature grows and struggles in its own way, establishing its own identity, insisting on it at all cost, against all resistance." ~ from the seventh letter

When I read these words again tonight, I thought of you and this post of yours. Even though I imagine you have read the letters Rilke wrote to Kappus, to you and to me, I hope you won't mind my repeating these words here tonight.

1:00 AM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Thank you for all the encouraging words.

Wenda- I haven't read them! But how appropriate, how perfectly worded, and how helpful. There is nothing I love more than finding that my own worries have been felt by many before me. Especially by other writers, artists, poets. Suddenly I feel human rather than troubled, and aware rather than naive. These words are going in my journal, thank you.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Wenda said...

You are very welcome. Finding words written over a hundred years ago that could have been written to me leaves me feeling deeply connected to something way bigger than I may ever understand or fully appreciate. I'm glad Rilke's words were helpful to you, too.

11:51 PM  
Blogger Kirti Chawla said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:19 AM  

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