peeling the onion
I peel off the first layer and I'm smiling.
I peel off the next layer and I'm vulnerable, a young woman afraid of commitment. I sit in a heap of failed relationships and don't know who to blame.
I peel off another layer and find myself quiet. Too shy to stand up for myself when conflict only makes me uncomfortable. I remain silent.
I peel alway a thick layer and find myself back in highschool, wishing I knew how to be happy, trying to understand why everything hurts so much, my pillow case stained with tears of mascara.
I keep peeling, through the good and the bad, the strengths and the weaknesses, to find there's something really good underneath it all.
Underneath every bruise, insult, lie, heartbreak, headache, hangover, mistake, embarassment and fall, I'm still standing strong.
I'm stripping myself bare, learning to look back on my past and accept every part of me.
I peel layer after layer, smile at my imperfections, and grow more comfortable in my skin.
I peel off the next layer and I'm vulnerable, a young woman afraid of commitment. I sit in a heap of failed relationships and don't know who to blame.
I peel off another layer and find myself quiet. Too shy to stand up for myself when conflict only makes me uncomfortable. I remain silent.
I peel alway a thick layer and find myself back in highschool, wishing I knew how to be happy, trying to understand why everything hurts so much, my pillow case stained with tears of mascara.
I keep peeling, through the good and the bad, the strengths and the weaknesses, to find there's something really good underneath it all.
Underneath every bruise, insult, lie, heartbreak, headache, hangover, mistake, embarassment and fall, I'm still standing strong.
I'm stripping myself bare, learning to look back on my past and accept every part of me.
I peel layer after layer, smile at my imperfections, and grow more comfortable in my skin.
posted by Gillian Young at 9:24 PM
16 Comments:
Gosh, Gillian, you are SO self-aware, it's just chilling -- in a good sense, I mean! I wish I had your self-awareness and raw honesty about my feelings -- and the self-acceptance that comes with recognizing your mistakes, learning from them, and deciding that you're A-OK after all.
You are one strong, beautiful woman. I love reading your posts... You inspire me!
My friends and I would appreciate it if you could PLEASE decide whether you're depressed or loving life. Every post is either about you "finally feeling in step", indulging yourself or being in the clutches of depression. ENOUGH ALREADY. I reccomend PAXIL.
"You are one strong, beautiful woman." - Carrie Bradshaw
late bloomer- Wow, thank you. I always worry about putting the way I feel out honestly, because I don't want it to come out the wrong way. This kind of support means a lot to me.
anonymous- Life isn't perfect and neither am I. If my writing bothers you, read elsewhere.
G.
You are beautiful inside and out. Keep writing. (plus your hair looks HOT! Is it even blonder?) Love
Lucy
dear gillian: after just starting my first blog (!) I've been lurking around other people's blogs, stumbled across yours, started lurking yours, and enjoy it very much! I was told by veteran bloggers that creepiness in lurking isnt so, but I think it is,a little. perhaps I'll come clean one of these days to my stalker-self (but not yet). anyway, your writings great, pics even greater! I can see why you wanted to go into feature before old margaret scared you off her web.
sorry for the novel,
andrea.
Anonymous really pisses me off, so this comment is in response to her/him. I think that life is a mix of being depressed and having fun, and that Gill's beautiful writings have never ceased showing her readers the whole gamut of emotions of a young woman.
In all honesty, Anonymous, you need to throw away your anti-depressants and just live for once, without the necessity to resign yourself to banal predictability.
As one who has been in a relationship for 22 years I would say that commitment is freedom. Don't be afraid to commit because then it is easier to be vulnerable.
you gorgeous girl.
(and I would say that independently of the photos)
lucy- As are you. I may be blonder, it's a bit of everything right now!
Andrea- Glad you found me, and so happy that I can keep up with you too now on your blog. Even your comment writing is cunningly clever.
Maria- I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you for coming to my defense and giving me back my confidence in writing.
anonymous- Maybe you're right about commitment, I still have a lot to learn in that area.
maitresse- tu me manques, thank you.
It's exactly what I've been obsessed with these past few days. I thought I'd looked at each layer, turns out there are more and more layers to reveal, and it will probably always be the case.
You're beautiful.
I may have said it before, but I love the vulnerability of your writing, it really inspires me be more vulnerable in mine.
And it is all so human, isn't it? Your feelings, your emotions... if only everyone could be this honest...
xxx
lace
I agree with what the others have said: the comment from Anonymous makes absolutely no sense! In fact, it's the honesty of what you convey, your sincerity and vulnerability, and your mixture of emotions that make you all the more human, and even more beautiful for it. Because I, too, go from feeling one way one day to the exact opposite the next -- I think it's our contradictions that make us WHO we are in the end. Like isn't always easy, and it isn't always difficult -- it's a mixed-up combination of both, and everything in between. And the challenge is finding the right balance. You describe this all so well in what you share with us here, both in your words and in your images.
So I agree to ignore that comment: it's indeed in accepting our contradictions that we realize who we are, as multifaceted as that may be.
but the constant swings that we "indulge" in reading are frustrating. it makes for unsatisfying blog fare, to be frank. imagine a television series with only two alternating plot lines. this is not to say that gillian's life is boring and uninteresting, but maybe you should try to branch out your subject matter to convey more diverse topics and emotions.
the late bloomer writes with wonderment about "your mixture of emotions that make you all the more human", but it's hardly human to bind yourself to two stale emotions. don't treat anonymous like some philistine asshole for offering constructive criticism.
Anonymous- There's truth in what you're saying. But as a person, I have been known to be extreme in my emotions, up and down. And I can't help but write about topics that interest me. I will and take this criticism constructively, but I'd appreciate it if they were written with more respect, preferably not directing me to anti-depressants.
anonymous:
Perhaps the only person that Gill writes for is herself? Not as entertainment, nor as something to be torn about by criticism. Really, this is just the playground equivalent of teasing someone with a different accent! Each of us is different in the way we feel and express our emotions and we grow as a result. Can we not forget, Gill is 20 years old?
Blogs are great, but if you don't like them what you read; change sites. Please be careful with what you write. Not that it applies here, but what if you were to write your comments to someone who was suffering severe depression? A comment as condemning as that from a stranger could really have severe consequences.
I grew up with a Mother with bi-polar disorder and quite frankly and I think that such flippant remarks are pretty vile.
Keep writing Gill, you're fab.
I don't see Gillian as depressed at all. She is very aware of her emotions. Much more aware than most anyone her age. I came across her blog by accident and found her blog quite fascinating.
Heck.. I'll even sign my name since I don't have a blog on here.
Bill
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