awake and dreaming

A long white curtain is swept to the side of the window in my room, revealing large billowy snowflakes falling from the sky.

Everything is lined with white, as if an artist has run around outside with a soft white pencil, beautifying everything in sight.

These days it’s a little easier to get out of bed. I’ve been making changes, keeping quiet so that I can listen to my thoughts, and trying to let my body tell me what it needs.

For the past four years I’ve had trouble sleeping. What started out as waking uncomfortably early every morning, has switched to me waking several times each night, unable to go back to sleep without sedating myself with heavy food: cereal, oatmeal, bread.

It’s uncomfortable habit that leaves my sleep interrupted and my body confused. I wake every day feeling unsettled; I go through the day heavy with shame in my bad habits and unusual schedule. While everyone was having a good night’s sleep, I was up trying to sedate myself, eating up to three bowls of oatmeal in trying to attain a heaviness that would induce me into a state of REM.

I have days where I feel like a walking zombie. Where no amount of concealer can cover the bags under my eyes. Where words sweep through me like sweet nothings.

I don’t like doctors and I don’t like to ask for help. I have tried several sleeping pills. These magic pills that are meant to knock me out for hours at a time, only make me feel groggy and drugged, as I continue to wake through the night, unfathomed by their potency.

More recently I have visited a naturopath and started acupuncture. I’m much more comfortable with the more natural approach to my body, and feeling positive so far.

And I’m making changes, exercising for the first time in years, taking calcium supplements, drinking green tea instead of coffee, trying to work meat into my diet, and sleeping with a mask in complete darkness.

My sleep is still interrupted, but much calmer, and some nights I only wake once. I feel more in control of my body, and that my self-confidence, which started to disintegrate some time ago, is being injected back into me.

I feel better in the mornings. My body is stronger, and I no longer need to pull it through the day.

I’ve realized that if you want to see change you have to fight for it. Life’s little rewards don’t come for free, but they’re there if you’re willing to pay the price.