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Friday, September 21, 2007

nobody's going to break my stride

I find it hard to sell myself.

In the past couple of weeks I had three interviews for a store I was convinced I was made for.

After three positive interviews I walked with my head held high. I had my life together. They liked me. The future looked bright. After my third interview, I was told they would call the next night if I got the job.

Around the time of my second interview I also stopped into an acting/modeling agency. I sat in a chair while a woman talked a mile a minute about what was required. I was measured. She told me I had to be outgoing with a good personality and I nodded. I was dead in my seat, silenced by the strength in her voice. Silenced by the fact that I have no real passion to act or model, but want to master auditions to prepare for a career in broadcast.

I was told they only take a limited amount of people. If anyone in the agency looked like me I wouldn’t make it. She said she would call me the week after.

Neither company called me back.

I called the clothing store, where the woman explained they don’t call you back if you don’t get the job.

I put the figment of champagne away.

I sunk into my chair. My breath felt stifled. My mind raced. What had I said wrong? Did I talk too fast? Do I come off phony? Was I too honest when asked about my weaknesses (I said I was a lush)?

And the main thought running through my head: why does nobody want me?

I walked it off and came back to my senses.

It’s time I learn to handle rejection if I plan on surviving a day in this world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s important. And what if my mistakes, my faults, the good days, bad days, great food and moments of true happiness are what really matter?

What if instead of being set on the final destination, I enjoy the journey there?

I handled two rejections and I plan on handling a lot more.

Not everyone can like me. If they did, I’d probably be a very boring person.

I still have a lot to learn, but I’m taking notes.

spadina streetcar

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves liked locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." - Rilke

3 Comments:

Blogger tatiana said...

Having gone through my share of rejection in the job market, I know how you feel. Once you can come to grips with the fact that just b/c you think you are perfect for the job - someone else may not. Looks. Personality. These are not necessarily the things that land the job. Of course, they help.

As for the being too honest about your weaknesses part. If you really told them that you were a lush, then you have your answer. I wouldn't have hired you either... it screams *undependable* even if you are dependable (and as a fellow lush, and from reading your blog, KNOW you are dependable.

Best of luck on your search. You may never get the reasons why they did not hire you - but look at each interview as gathering experience. Practice for the next one. And, for the final one that gets you the job you were meant to have.

3:48 PM  
Blogger ayahthetiger said...

ahhh, rilke...
i love you sweet girl, and those companies don't know what they're missing. your next chapter lies somewhere not far off, waiting in the shadows. but you're learning as you go, and it's moments like those that can be far more valuable than relishing in success. the champagne will come my darling. keep trying, and keep your chin up. xo.

9:48 PM  
Blogger b said...

It is hard not to feel the sting of rejection. Although, really, the rejection has nothing to do with who you are and more about who "they" are and what "they" are looking for.

I remember when I graduated from college and wanted to move down to San Diego. I had worked for this amazing PR/Marketing professional as an intern down there and he tried so hard to get me in with some influential marketing people. I was down there visiting/searching for jobs and we spent the day with some of his friends in the business. This woman friend of his was brilliant and very influential. We instantly connected and I thought I was "in." At dinner that evening, I overheard her talking to my former boss about me. He asked what she could do for me and she laughed out loud (yes, sad but true) and said that I was so charming and bright but that the marketing world would eat me and my soul alive. I was so torn up about this and was practically in tears when I recalled the degree to which she laughed at me. But in retrospect, she was right. It took me numerous tries in the business world, but I've finally forged a path that is meaningful and suits me in the creative world.

I know it is hard to see these things in an entirely enlightened and constructive light right now. And in sharing my story, I'm not saying that you are not right for either job. But these seeming setbacks are often the most liberating experiences for us, as we make our way through this world. As an aspiring broadcast journalist, I'm sure you know too well Oprah Winfrey's story. Her path to success was paved with some intense opposition and struggle.

All of the pep talk and encouragment aside, it still hurts. And you need to let it sting and do its thing. If I lived close by, I'd certainly bring a bottle of Jack Daniels over and some homemade lasagna. In times like these, encouragement and advice are great, but comfort taps into the soul more effectively.

Sending you my best thoughts and wishes.

11:50 PM  

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