Wenesday, September 15, 2004
My sleeping has been off lately. At night I turn and toss, wake up and check my email, have a snack and try to sleep again. I have felt slightly off today. Something inside of me aches. It is a void I sometimes get, one I'm never sure how to fill. But it comes and goes: one second I am teary eyed, the next I'm smiling.
Part of it might be that I miss my parents. I'm all about independence and love being out on my own, but family is also very important to me. My family is the one stable thing in my life. In their eyes I feel capable of almost anything; they are the only people I really know that I love. Otherwise I don't know what love is. Sometimes I think I just don't know how to love, don't know how to feel. Love. I never know if it's real. There's so much shit that gets in the way, that turns me around until I'm dizzy. Eventually I fall flat on my face and decide I only have myself. But I know I have my family. Miles, or oceans apart, it's comforting just to know they are there.
Walking through the cafeteria tonight, green tea in hand, I noticed a young guy sitting with his parents. His happiness over rid his embarrassment. I couldn't help but feel envious. I would like to show my parents around campus, taking them back to the past, as they were both Ryerson students, and to my present. I'm glad I had my brother to meet me here and help me move in. Without him the isolation and chaos would have hit me much harder.
I finally made my way to the waterfront today. I brought my dinner and sat by lake Ontario, watching sailboats under the remains of the sunset. Seeing water is always therapeutic when I'm away, as the sea wall is a big part of my life in Vancouver. Sometimes I would walk it a few times a day, my pace working as fast as my mind as I walk off my distress.
I'm feeling more at ease now. I drew on a friends wall with highlighters that light up under his black light. Then my room mate and I wandered down Yonge to 7-11. Back in my room I feel fortunate again to be here. There is no where else I'd rather be right now.
Part of it might be that I miss my parents. I'm all about independence and love being out on my own, but family is also very important to me. My family is the one stable thing in my life. In their eyes I feel capable of almost anything; they are the only people I really know that I love. Otherwise I don't know what love is. Sometimes I think I just don't know how to love, don't know how to feel. Love. I never know if it's real. There's so much shit that gets in the way, that turns me around until I'm dizzy. Eventually I fall flat on my face and decide I only have myself. But I know I have my family. Miles, or oceans apart, it's comforting just to know they are there.
Walking through the cafeteria tonight, green tea in hand, I noticed a young guy sitting with his parents. His happiness over rid his embarrassment. I couldn't help but feel envious. I would like to show my parents around campus, taking them back to the past, as they were both Ryerson students, and to my present. I'm glad I had my brother to meet me here and help me move in. Without him the isolation and chaos would have hit me much harder.
I finally made my way to the waterfront today. I brought my dinner and sat by lake Ontario, watching sailboats under the remains of the sunset. Seeing water is always therapeutic when I'm away, as the sea wall is a big part of my life in Vancouver. Sometimes I would walk it a few times a day, my pace working as fast as my mind as I walk off my distress.
I'm feeling more at ease now. I drew on a friends wall with highlighters that light up under his black light. Then my room mate and I wandered down Yonge to 7-11. Back in my room I feel fortunate again to be here. There is no where else I'd rather be right now.
posted by Gillian Young at 7:03 PM
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