subdued in suburbia

When I left my residence room for the last time, it was soaking in a strange yellow light.

I thought I'd left the light on, but between the time I'd left and re-entered to grab my last box, sunlight had filled its empty space.

It was closure. I felt as if the room were showing itself to me for the last time, making a note in my memory and engraving its image.

Now I'm regaining my strength in the suburbs before I leave to Paris in four days. God, I wish I didn't feel like such a snob saying that. I wish I had enough money to pay for my own plane tickets, that everything I did was out of my own funds and headstrong independance. For now I have to bless the generosity of my parents, their appreciation for travel, and realize that this is something I can work towards.

I sat with my cousin last night and discussed what I want to do with my life. She suggests design school. I need to think about it. I need to weigh out my passions and find which makes me sweat the most.

She is buying a house. At first I found this idea boring. A house? Why settle down? But this is her dream, and for her it brings out the same excitement that travel does for me. Each to his own. All of our hearts beat to a different drum. Something's wrong when it's just standing still.

So I'm moaping around, thinking, reading, and loving my relatives. It's strange to see the genetic qualities sewn through the women in this family. Sometimes when I look at my aunt, I see my mom for a split second.

I'm subdued, but in the most cozy, sitting in my bathrobe and reading, kind of way. After a year of being a stress case, I couldn't wish for anything more.