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Monday, November 07, 2005

i sold my soul; they asked for a refund

I walked today.

My thoughts were calm and coherent. My usual racing thoughts were nowhere to be seen. I felt serene. Instead of cursing the tourists I approached them, offering to take their photographs or to give them directions.

When I first came here I heard every car horn, every siren, every conversation that took place around me. I felt overly stimulated; all I wanted to do was get on a plane and leave. I felt like a prisoner in the city I dreamed of. I felt dissapointed in the fact that Paris was nothing like the rest of France. I spent all day with kids that treated me like a servant, and I felt the city had nothing to offer me.

But things have changed, Paris has a lot to offer me, and it's growing on me faster than a grape vine.

You could explain my change in mood with a cliche, "Without darkness there would be no light," as if me feeling horrible has allowed me to feel great now. But it's not only that. I made changes. I started making an effort to connect with the kids, I took up yoga, I started reading more, walking more, and I started taking the time to look inside when everything outside was too much for me.

I'm taking apart the things that break me down and looking at them closely.

I'm looking realistically at my insecurites, and doing my best to throw them in the Seine and watch the current take them away.

And I'm trying, still trying, to figure out what I want out of life.

I'm getting closer. My thoughts are making more sense. I'm not there yet, but I'm fully present in where I am right now. I'm aware of the people, the buildings and the energy that surrounds me. I'm aware of my body, my mind, and where my feet are planted. I'm breathing.

For now that's enough.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Lucy said...

your pictures are fabulous. they scream europe as much as your writing screams freedom...

10:20 PM  
Blogger Z.R said...

I think sometimes you think too much...not that I disect your blog on a nightly basis..but when I do get a chance to read, it seems as though you have a lot to say, but arn't sure how to say it...have a lot to do, but arn't sure how to do it...Perchance you should shut off your mind for a week, and if you feel a need to write, write it down, but make sure to do everything you write, that way you won't be left feeling like you can't do what's on your mind.Then Again, I wear sweater vests, so i'm not one to speak. Cheers.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

I do think too much. But at the same time, doesn't it sound horrible to try and think less? There are so many things to think about that it seems a shame not to let them at least pass through my mind. I like the idea of writing down everything I want to do and doing it. I usually make a goal list every month, and get pretty far with it.

But shut off my mind for a week? If I knew how to do that I wouldn't be an insomniac. I'll try though...or I'll atleast take it to the page more.

And nothing wrong with sweater vests.

12:46 AM  
Blogger Josh said...

Keep thinking and writing, Gill. Your perspective has some sort of an omniscient perpective to it. Think of all the writers, artists and musicians that flourished in Paris, thinking similar thoughts.

And I hope you're nowhere near any of these riots we keep reading about. If you can though, throw a fire bomb or too. It'd make a GREAT blog.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

*perspective. interesting word to misspell.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Lucy-You've got me thinking about screaming freedom all day.

Josh-Don't worry, I'm far from the bombs and riots. But you're right, isn't it my job as a good journalist to go and see it for myself? I don't think I'll be taking any trips into the suburbs soon.

And omniscient is a beautiful word, I'm flattered you used it in my name.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Carson said...

wow. your writings and pictures are meaningful to me.its like i know what your talking about.your pics are one of a kind and should be hung on the wall for millions of dollars..u speak the truth and thats why your writing has captured me in so many way. you are very talented and dont forget that.it will come together.

11:27 PM  

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