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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

to think i thought of killing you

They drive me crazy, but these days, they have been keeping me sane.

The kids that drive me up every wall in their apartment have been filling a hole in my heart.

I've felt off these days. I've felt empty, and have been feeding myself distractions so that I don't have to listen to the thoughts running through my head.

I feel I haven't been honest enough in my words, in my writing and with my conversations with other people.

I've had such a firm grasp on myself for so long, and now I'm holding everything I am very loosely. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure I know what's best for myself. I feel myself choking on my words and shaking my head at some of my actions. I crave freedom, but at times my body is a prison.

And then there's the kids.

They are always a challenge, but I find myself everytime I can make things work. I see myself become nurturing, kind, flexible, and know there's something to me.

Today I stood in a park, in the pouring rain, clutching my purse and the cookie bag for an hour as the kids ran around. For once, I didn't feel sorry myself. I was happy that they were enjoying themselves. I was elated that he was playing with her when he screamed "But I will play alone!!!" Before leaving the apartment.

He has been reaching for my hand a lot, playing with my fingers as I read him books, and smiling at me with adoration.

We've started dancing a lot in the kitchen, and I find myself doing the Macarena when I should be making them finish dinner.

In moments like these feel myself crawling back into my skin.

My pen is scribbling through my journal again.

My thoughts are becoming fluid.

And I think, just maybe, that I'm starting to find my mind again.


Blogger jca said...

you are great with words. I really love your posts.

i know josh, its how i got linked.

6:30 PM  
Anonymous Zohreh said...

I've felt the same way when working with my students. There's something about the way children trust, it makes me feel somehow capable and validated, especially on days when I can't figure out why I'm here and what I'm doing. Thank goodness for them, in all their nail-biting, screeching, giggling glory.

6:33 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

wow... BOTH those comments are from my friends. Interesting.

Gill, the Star piece is coming, I promise. Dom's getting on it. Tomorrow night.


7:43 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Thanks for the publicity Josh!

And thanks to both of you guys for the comments, I appreciate every one of them.

12:15 AM  
Anonymous schuey said...

sometimes I think you struggle to hard to find something that takes time to find (eventually).

But it's nice that you can be positive about standing in the rain for an hour... ;)

1:53 AM  
Blogger Sky said...

Do you have time to think about your future, try on the various options, and see how they fit? Unless there is an artificial deadline (re-entrance to university?), your future can unfold gently and with thoughtful contemplation.

I think it is always so much easier to accept the more difficult tasks before us if we feel appreciated for doing them. It sounds like you are beginning to matter in this little boy's life (and heart) and that you have become, in a real sense, part of his "family." This is indeed a warm fuzzy.

Dancing in the kitchen sounds fun!

I am going to say this since it has been on my mind: Sometimes I worry about your safety as you travel alone in various states of inebriation through the streets of Paris into the early AM. Then I think that it is none of my business and you might resent a stranger saying this to you, so I don't say anything. Do be safe in your travels. Wise decisions about recreation and travel are often made before we become impaired by liquor. I remember my own youth and making some decisions which could have resulted in deep peril. I was VERY lucky that they didn't...and that I didn't have to learn from what could have been resulting trauma.

Life is such a mixture of opposing positions and challenges, and you are right about balance...we must have it!

Have fun, be safe, and keep up the fabulous blogging. :))

5:14 AM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

I tend to worry about every decision, whether it be small or big. I will spend my whole life striving for a balance, and trying to figure out who I am, but it's this that keeps me going.

Regarding safety, I'm usually with someone when drinking and walking the streets. When I'm not I'm quick at catching a taxi, and will always take main roads boasting with tourists. Thank you for the concern, and I will be careful. This is a good thing to point out.

6:11 AM  

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