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Sunday, September 26, 2004

self destructive

At four in the morning my bloodshot eyes stared back at me in the bathroom mirror, the halogen light bulbs draining my skin. After emptying my stomach into the toilet, I didn't know what to think of the girl in the mirror. The night played over in my mind and I felt empty.

It began with vodkas in my room. Friends sitting around. I didn't keep track. We went to another room, played on turntables, and came back. I planned to be in bed at a reasonable hour, considering I had work the next day. But around 12 I decided I had to go dancing, and two guy friends agreed this was a good idea. We went to a night club where I lost myself in the tackiness of the clubbing scene: playing mind games, dancing with different guys, kissing a nameless stranger, and walking around in search of something that couldn't be found. I deserted the guys I came with and lost myself in the music. When a girl in the bathroom shook her hips as she applied more and more makeup, I knew I had to leave.

Back at residence a friend with a suite gave me egg salad and chocolate cake: I was starving. I went back to my room and devoured a muffin. Soon after it was me and my bloodshot eyes. I felt plastic, fake, alone. I felt self destructive. Like I was only drawn to things that would cause me pain. Always in the pursuit of something shallow. Wanting everything unattainable for the simple fact that I can't have it.

I felt better in the morning than expected, and I made it through the day at work. It's now 5:30 and I feel drained. I am running off very little sleep, a hangover dwindling in my stomach. Cause and effect. My critical thinking teacher would be ashamed. Sometimes I just feel l think too much and need to shut down for a night. But it's not worth losing myself. I'd rather think twice and love myself.


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