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Monday, November 15, 2004

aspertame in my brain

I've cut out aspertame.

Every diet coke, or diet drink, or diet product that contains this risky sweetener. It's something I've been meaning to do for too long. A big a step forward in my well being.

I used to imagine aspertame seeping into my brain, making me go insane. A way of slowly killing myself. Any kind of self abuse once seemed attractive to me.

I've had my eclipses. I've been down in the gutter and sneered at the stars. Stood in front of the mirror sobbing. Felt the emptiness that comes when you can never be satisfied. Never live up to your own expectations.

These words are therapy. Thoughts locked away in the caverns of my mind hitting the keyboard. Beating it out of me.

I listen to girls in the elevator. One inspects the calories on her juice. Another says "Rice cakes are good, they're low in calories, so it's like you're eating nothing." A girl out of the group shifts uncomfortably in her skin. She has probably never been on a diet. Wonders if she should. I'm glad I know I shouldn't. Glad I had cake for breakfast. I deserve satisfaction.

An old poem links to these thoughts:

bowling alley

the bowling alley downstairs
we sit and drink in the bathroom
i drink my whiskey and diet coke
trying to figure out why i even bother
what's with me and diet drinks
watching my waistline
like men watch football
as if an inch less
will make me a better person

another night and i'm void
staring into nothing
my friend looks me in the eye
says i'm really something
a hopelessness weighs me down
chains me to my chair
always thinking far too much
wishing i didn't care

bowling balls slam on wooden lanes
people on the tv screen
all look the same
i need to leave
but i've lost sense of direction
there's a hunger in my belly
starving for affection


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