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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

back to life, back to reality

Yesterday I said goodbye to Vancouver.

I left with a cold, a few extra pounds of winter indulgence, and the feeling that I still had a home.

Vancouver did make me a little restless. I didn't like how my room was always cold, dark, and not really mine. But I am crazy in love with the people in Vancouver. My friends will never cease to make me laugh at my highest pitch. My family will never cease to love me for more than I'm worth. The ocean will never fail to seduce me. And the night before leaving I went through my things, getting rid of excess stuff in my closet that had been sitting in the back of my mind. Clearing my head with every item. I now know only a few pieces of me lie at home; that is enough.

As the shuttle drove into Toronto in a bright winter sky, I was happy to be of many of my so called homes. I like it here. I like the business. I like going up 14 floors to my room in residence which carries more of my personality than my room ever has. As much as I love Vancouver, the city doesn't suit me, the familiar surroundings always strange to me.

Me and my room mate have been organizing and re-decorating. Everything is being refreshed.

A beautiful woman with long blue colored hair did tarot cards for me the other day in her dream-like home. I am using them to sort my thoughts for the new year. Some went something like this:

Diseases and cancer form with negativity bursting on the inside. Anger controls your mind and distracts you from what's really important. I have forgiven myself. For bingeing. For starving. For abusing my body in any way. It has been taking over my mind; I need to forgive myself and move on.

This card said that I hated to be judged. That feeling judged brought me down. That I needed the feeling that comes with dancing at midnight. The night before Shirin and I had accidentally ended up at a gay club. We danced through midnight. I had felt insecure that night, but in a room of gay men danced freely. I need this feeling. This is why I so often crave travel, free to be whoever I feel like being without being judged.

I want this year to be about refreshment. Cleaning out my closets; opening myself up; dancing at midnight.

I want to feel bigger than Vancouver's Pacific Ocean; taller than Toronto's high rises.


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