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Saturday, December 11, 2004

i'll be home for christmas

Walking hurriedly to work this morning, I walked by Dundas Square to see a stage set up. A young man with his head hooded by a sweatshirt was preparing for a show, singing while playing the guitar. I have no idea who he was, but his voice hit my heart strings. Moments like this in the city have me walking around with a seduced smile.

My affair with Toronto is going to be over for about a month, and I wish I felt better about it.

My heart aches in anticipation to see friends and family, but not for Vancouver. I don't know what it is.

My affair with this this city makes me feel alive. And it's as if I'm returning to Vancouver, my husband, a man who just doesn't know how to touch me right. We have too much of a history together. When Vancouver calls my name I just don't get that thrill I used to get. The butterflies flew out of my stomach years ago. Toronto is younger, more mysterious, and has no set idea of who I am. Toronto brings out the woman in me.

I will probably cave in once I see the people I love on a back drop of the Pacific Ocean and mountains. Once I walk the sea wall. Once I am reminded of it's exceeding beauty.

It's just..I've been gone for around five months now and I wish I was more excited.

I'm somehow afraid. I feel so happy with myself right now; I'm afraid I'll feel differently in Vancouver.

That without the independence and movement of the city I will lose myself again.

But it's a state of mind right? Not a location on a map.

For some reason when I think of Vancouver I think of me with a pained expression, staring out at a grey sky. I should be thinking of my warm home, my amazing family. I went through an old photo album and ripped up some pictures of myself. They weren't horrible, but they didn't look like me. Fake smiles, or too drunk to know my facial expression. A face doing a bad job at covering up how I actually felt. The only genuine smiles I can find are in my grad pictures, ready to end a chapter of my life and move on.

But Vancouver is home. Once I arrive at the familiar airport to familiar faces, I will remember this. I will soak this up and love it, probably resenting the fact that I have to return to Toronto.

I guess I just hope Vancouver loves me back this time.


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