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Thursday, March 31, 2005

some like it hot

My happiness runs hot and cold. I live through these periods of high and low knowing that the next always lurks close behind.

Outside there is a bright spring sunshine. I soak it up in mini excursions to get things done, running from one place to the next. It's beauty overwhelms me and I feel small in comparison. Aware that I have nowhere to hide in it's spotlight.

I just went through a period of extreme glee. Happiness was me. Then I started racking my brain for all the reasons I should be stressed out. The sleeplessness began along with a strange insecurity. How is it that I can run from being a cocky big headed female to someone that only wants to duck their head down and keep to themselves?

There's a nervousness to my speech. Its because I'm trying to keep a fluent conversation while my brain dances.

I roll around in bed and cough up the occasional tear. My body and mind are overwhelmed.

I find myself through art and writing; it eases the pressure. I want to go to art school, but I'm so afraid I don't have what it takes, or will never make enough money to be independent. I need to express myself; live in beauty. I fear that journalism can't offer this to me.

I call home in a restless, sleepless state and speak to my brother. Garbage rolls off my tongue. Afterwards I only feel worse, because all I had to offer was empty words while my heart sat in a basin jar.

What am I so afraid of? Sometimes even emotion seems taboo.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

4 Comments:

Blogger Lucy said...

I know what you mean Gill about art school. I had the exact dilemma last year. I want to create and live in beauty as well, but what if I'm not good enough? Unfortunately I do need at least some money to survive, and what if I can't provide?

It is a diffcult decision. I was sick of expressing my creativity solely through writing. I love it, but I needed something more. I needed to texture paint onto canvas, and let clay run through my hands. To satisfy my craving I worked at an art camp last summer, something that I am doing this summer as well. I was an art helper, helping kids get creative. It was so much fun, I need to do more of it. I came back, refreshed and full of inspiration. Right now I am taking photography classes, and I am falling in love with it.

I still have to decide what to do next year...

I am sure your year off will give you a good break. You can be a professional and an artist. You are already an artist Gill, a natural one. No matter what you do, you will never lose it.

1:49 PM  
Blogger dbry said...

These pics are really cool, Gill.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really like the photos and their captions, especially "spring...."
I can understand how journalism might not be enough for someone with your talent, passion and sensitivity. And, given the top stories in the media these past few weeks and days, I would be rehashing my thoughts about wanting to be part of the profession, too, although this may have nothing to do with your decisions. Keep blooming. You are beautiful.

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really like the photos and their captions, especially "spring...."
I can understand how journalism might not be enough for someone with your talent, passion and sensitivity. And, given the top stories in the media these past few weeks and days, I would be rehashing my thoughts about wanting to be part of the profession, too, although this may have nothing to do with your decisions. Keep blooming. You are beautiful.

7:50 PM  

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