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Sunday, May 01, 2005

young girl, don't cry

I like to forget my age.

I like to travel on my own, to make strong statements, and lie about how old I am before I saunter up to the bar for another shot of vodka.

I like to think I've grown beyond tears and feeling needy. Beyond craving comfort. Beyond calling my family just to hear a familiar voice.

I'm not.

I need to know I'm loved.

I still get teary eyed when I feel someone doesn't like me. When I realize I'm not as smart as I think I am.

I am writing a 'pitch', an attempt to get a column on my life as an aupair for a Toronto newspaper.

But there's a lump in my stomach.

My reporting teacher tells me to write bitchy, to spill any juice I can on the mother, and I feel the lump get heavier.

I feel as if I'm already invading the privacy of the family I'll be working for. They have been so kind already; I want to have a healthy relationship with them. I want to connect with the mother, who could be a valuable connection in my future. She is in charge of the communications department of a large Parisian department store.

So in my last email to Madame, I mentioned the column to her. I told her that I will be writing generally about my experiences, no names mentioned, but that I would like to know if this bothers her.

My brother says I'm being dramatic. The lump grows. Should I have avoided saying anything?

I'm told an old friend is unhappy with me. We had plans for Paris last year, when I took off for Ryerson instead, and now I'm taking off on my own.

I can't help but need my independance. The lump grows.

I feel like a little girl. Teary eyed. Frustrated with not knowing all the answers.

The tears don't flow, but I feel the lump grow.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are loved.

You are loved very much and by many. You will never be loved by everyone. This is fine. This is life. Some people will never be pleased. Any attempt to please everyone will fail. Just try to be as fair and true as possible. Don't put your own needs below or too above the needs of others. You are loved because your strengths far exceed your weaknesses. Don't ever give or expect unconditional love.

It is good you told the family of your plans. Just don't bear the weight of a potential problem too heavily until you are able to work on a solution.

You are sometimes dramatic and I still love you.

2:32 PM  
Blogger dbry said...

What beautiful advice. I think you are right on track. In fact, I think you are ahead of the schedule and have arrived before the train.

You are doing fantastic, Gill. And you will continue to do fantanstic. Will you possibly mistep here and there along the way? Possibly. BUt as anonymous sais. This is fine. This is life.

If you had no knots, you would be restless.

You are wonderful. xoxo...

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Gill,

To paraphrase Jessica Andrews:

You are Kathleen's granddaughter, the spitting image of your father and when the day is done, your momma's still your greatest fan...

One of the hardest issues for a writer is betrayal... no wonder you feel anxious... it's part of your integrity... and one of the reasons you are loved very much.

You are loved.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Haley said...

A friend of mine, he told me the best advice I could ask for..
Let It Flow..
Sure he was a stoner, but that's not the point. If this is what you really want, ignore that lump in your throat and go for it and don't look back. You'll still be a good person because you know you are and you're not trying to kid anyone.
I wanted to let you know that I recieved my bag and I am in love with it more, now that it's mine. Haha, It's MINE! Thanks again.

3:39 PM  

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