she comes undone

So much has happened in the past few months that I have barely written a word.

My thoughts have been spinning as usual, my heart beating faster than ever, and yet every time I try to write how I feel I close up.

Not only this, but I have been moving from place to place, my life in a suitcase, using other peoples computers, and living off of the generosity of others.

After California came Vancouver, then came France, and now I am back in Toronto staying with a family friend. Having ended my relationship in October, on positive terms, I came back to Toronto feeling very vulnerable. I no longer had my three jobs, a key to my apartment, and a body to crawl into bed with. But life is generous to me, and I have been welcomed into the home of Mary, a family friend whose husband, Patrick Spence-Thomas passed away in the fall. Patrick owned a sound studio and was one of the most influential people in my father's life. His influence passed over into my life, including my time in French immersion. Patrick was a true fire cracker, the type of man who recited a poem from Alice in Wonderland after receiving bad news in the hospital, and had his love, Mary, and friends sing Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life" as he was wheeled in for an operation. Life has come full circle and now Mary is a part of my life. She has made me feel at home again in this city, and inspires me every day with her incredible love for Patrick and life.

Work has come more easily than expected as well. I have slid back into the odd hours of catering, and am happy to be back in the flow of parties and events. Even in a shirt, vest, tie and dress pants, I am at ease with all of the other workers, and always happy to be surrounded by people and food. The other morning I woke at four in the morning, got on the street car groggily, and went to work a six a.m. breakfast conference. The three hundred people I had to take care of at coat check had me awake in no time, and I left my shift feeling good about the day, with a purse full of leftover croissants and danishes for my classmates.

I was so afraid about coming back to this city, facing the cold weather and feeling my heart freeze over. But I'm warm under several layers, trudging through the snow in heavy snow boots and a ridiculous furry hat. And my heart is as hot as ever, warmed by old friends and my new roommate.

Currently I sit in my grandfather's office as he finishes his morning excercises, dancing around to oldies with small weights in his hands. "People that blog, are keeping a log..." he sings to me. I have come to Port Hope to visit my grandparents, but more importantly to see my brother. My loving, glowing, talented brother has proposed to his love and they are to get married in the spring. In this moment of joy, his love, Mackenzie, lost her father the other night. I had been planning on coming down but when I heard the news felt the need to be near to them. In times of celebration, and especially tragedy, it feels right to be close to family.

In the past few months I have seen many deaths, but also marriages, birthdays and celebrations. I have been quietly witnessing the cycles of life. With my time at university coming to an end, I am looking at the world with big eyes, trying to figure out what to do next. The answers will come. Life will come. If there's anything I've learnt it's that life happens in unexpected ways. All I can do is keep walking, working hard, and stay true to myself. As nervous as I am, my step feels stronger than ever, and I know I can keep moving forward.