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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

flavor of the month

There is no flavor of the month in my life right now, and I'm not making reference to the bland cafeteria food. I'm surrounded by a hearty selection of young men, yet I don't even want a sample. None of the flavors seem enticing. It's like walking into Baskin Robbins and deciding you're not hungry. Am I just a man snob? The only time I really like a guy is at a glance. A quick but intense eye contact. A fleeting moment of attraction. And I'm back at step one, always wanting what seems unattainable.

Maybe it's that I'm still working on liking myself. I have come a long way, but it's a slow process. After a life long struggle I'm finally getting to know who I am. I've accepted the skin I'm in, and the mind I operate. The biggest surprise has been that the more I find out about myself, the more confident I become. If being conceited feels this good, then let it be. I've been through the self-hate phase and would rather not look back. I'm tired of the never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It took realizing none of that mattered to see that I'm more than enough.

An interesting aspect of liking myself is that I've given up deprivation. Even at the age of Archie comics and candy binges, a diet always seemed like a good idea. Something was always out of bounds; I was always limited. The problem with this is that restraint leads to rebellion, and restriction leads to bingeing.

Now I'm discovering what I actually like and don't like. Nothing is off limits.

My flavor of the month is discovery. Discovering a new city, new people, new comforts, new perspective, and a new respect for myself. And you know what? It tastes pretty damn good.

2 Comments:

Blogger bett mac said...

gill pls see comment bottom of tues & delete tnx b

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Peter said...

I hate blogs. This one is good though. I was searching for someting completely different and somehow I ended up here.

You should go easier on yourself. I don't know if its your age or what but you seem to be at odds with something within yourself. From what I've read you are in possession of a certain sensitivity and perception which is rare.

I loved your line about the bottle of wine in a suitcase. I travel like that too :) ........

ciao, keep writing, you are a natural at it. You convey feeling which is really all there is to it..............

-Peter

9:23 PM  

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