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Friday, October 08, 2004

the sun also rises

The sun rises to another day at Ryerson. I am slowly building my life here. Still trying to make it bigger. I want my world to be as big as possible. For every possibility to be within my reach and to be ready to grab it.

But sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I want to follow routine. Sometimes I'm afraid to explore the unknown. Sometimes I'm just human.

Today I went out walking, ready to explore, but found my body too tired. Instead I walked through stores and through the mainstream area of Queen Street West. I have such a love hate relationship with clothes and stores. I love beautiful things, fabrics, design. I like to feel good in my clothes. But at the same time I don't like feeling materialistic. I don't like the feeling of swiping my debit card when I'm unsure of my purchase. Therefore my wallet stayed in my purse and my eyes got everything they wanted.

For the first Friday night in a while I didn't over drink. It would be wrong to post my self-destructiveness once more. And so I drank within reason when some of us went out and frequented a couple of bars. It was good to be able to hold up my friend, who apparently speaks with a British accent after too many beers, and was getting a little wobbly near the end of the night.

I am feeling emotionally and intellectually numb lately and feel stupid even writing. I don't want my words to come out numb. I am happy though; happily numb. I just can't seem to focus. I sit through classes and sketch in my notebook. I have conversations but lose my thread half way through. I have trouble remembering events from earlier in the week.

Now my mind is wandering and I don't know where I'm taking you. I would tell you to follow but I think I'm lost.


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