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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

why gluttony is a sin

The dictionary will tell you that sin is when the self is estranged from God. I believe it's when the self is estranged from the self. When one loses oneself and thinks blindly. When inner morals are too far off to be heard because our actions are speaking too loudly.

Thanksgiving was beautiful. We went apple picking in the orchards. We went to a local farm with massive pumpkins of every shape. We talked, we laughed, and we remembered the value of family.

But being home for the holidays with this family means food. It means a lot of baking, cooking, large meals and second helpings. I like to think I can eat a lot and was really excited with this. But my stomach can't handle what it once could. My body isn't used to this much sugar and such large portions.

After dinner the first night I found my head over the toilet. There was no finger down my throat, but I did lose some of my dinner. I went to my room mate. "Morgan I think I might be sick, maybe we should sleep in separate beds," I said. She told me I'd probably eaten too much. "You're not yourself this weekend. You slept in. You've been eating a lot". And she was right. My body just couldn't take it. I out did myself again for Thanksgiving dinner and felt a little off once more. I went to bed with a headache. Woke up feeling groggy and tired. Moody and irritable. My first experience of a food hangover.

Now I sit and eat a few pieces of my grandmas Irish bread and feel gluttonous. I'm not even hungry.

This kind of behavior scares me because it isn't me. And I don't want it to bring out my ugly obsessive side. I'm going to try and reverse things by joining the gym. And then I might take an even bigger step. If I can find it in me I might go to a workshop called 'Minding Your Body', a series of sessions for students with eating disorders. I don't like seeking help in other people and this is hard. But it's time to take myself seriously. I deserve more.

When does happy indulgence become gluttony? Innocence become tainted? Control become obsession?

When will I find it in myself to let go and be happy? To find the balance and feel free without letting myself fall. To breathe and not choke on the air. To respect myself for more than a day or two. I know why gluttony is a sin; what I don't know is why I do this to myself.


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