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Monday, August 01, 2005

one was never my loneliest number

I saw it coming. I saw it coming like a freight train headed straight for my heart.

I kept thinking I should do it before he did, be the heartbreaker, rather than the heartbroken. But tonight he showed up at my doorstep and said the words. "It's not you. Please know that it's not you. I just know that I shouldn't be in a relationship right now."

And even though I knew, and even though the same words were on the tip of my tongue, I cried fountains, I'm crying fountains.

I explained to him that I understood completely, but the thought of being with him and not being with him stopped me everytime.

"I know, it's difficult," he said with honest eyes, "I cried last night thinking about it."

Last night we were at a big outdoor party, and there was a huge distance between us all night other than a few minutes of our bodies pressed against each other, arms wrapping us into one. At one point when I was dancing, I was told that he was just sitting there staring at me, looking like he was about to cry.

I don't know what to think. He tells me not to search for reasons, that this is purely him.

My mom said I was too good for him. That I deserved more. His dad told me he was spoiled to have me. His sister told him I was great. His best friend pointed at me and said, "Wonderful woman".

The past few days I've had a song on repeat that goes: "This may take me a while, but for now I miss your smile." I saw it coming. But the lyrics ring truer than ever.

I won't miss the conversation, we struggled with that part, but I'll miss his touch. We're still going to see each other, and he's coming over tommorrow to talk.

But there's no one left to hold me.

And I can't handle the thought that someone wouldn't want to be with me.


Blogger Georgia said...

I know what you're feeling. I'm in a relationship like the one you just ended. I know it will be over soon, and it will be for the best, but I just can't bring myself to let him go.

We've always struggled in the conversation area. We have nothing to say. But I'm afraid of having no one to hold me. I don't want to be lonely.

So believe me, I understand what you feel right now. All these things just make us more well rounded, and are fodder for the books we may someday write.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Alyssa Ericson said...

I understand. I found your blog through someone else's & I am extremely glad that I stopped by to take a look. Your writing is so brutally honest, yet seeminly so: beautiful. It's the shameful & harsh reality of a simple truth - we are all hurt. Even if we know it should end. We don't want to let go of the comfort that surrounds our bodies and hearts. I'm sorry that you're feeling lost and lonely right now. Comment back if you want to keep talking - Come check mine out. I hope you're alright.

5:30 AM  
Anonymous Marisa said...

Hi Gillian. My cousin Kate told me about your blog months ago and I've been reading along with your adventure, I've just never bothered to comment before because I was never sure what to say. You and I took opposite journeys: I went from Ontario to BC and you did the opposite. I'm still amazed that you ended up in France, though, and I think you're very courageous for it. That being said, I know you have the courage and strength to get through this because I've seen it in you.
I've been in a relationship similar to yours and though it may take some time, you will get used to not having him hold you anymore. You'll learn to hold yourself instead, be your own strength and comfort. And when you need it, you have great friends and family to help you as well.
And I'm sure that there is someone out there who wants to be with you. It even sounds like *he* wants to be with you. Like he said, it's not you that's the problem.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

I feel like I've just received hugs from three complete strangers. Thanks, I needed them.

10:11 PM  

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