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Sunday, January 30, 2005

i can't seem to find my mind

I had trouble lifting my head up to look at people today.

Sometimes I think I'm slowly falling into my own pit of insanity, that someday I'll hit the bottom, and nothing will be left of me but a disfigured smile.

I have a very loose grip on reality right now. Other people surround me; ground lies underneath my feet; blood moves through my veins, but I'm not really here. I go to bed at night thinking how strange it is that I'll wake up the next day, and the day after that, and after that. And that I don't really know what I'm doing.

People speak to me, and I answer, sometimes smile, and while looking in their the eyes I can barely see them. I'm able to answer programmed responses while my mind lies elsewhere.

Isn't it amazing how much more there is to a person than the words that escape from their mouths? We are so quick to judge when we really don't know anyone.

I couldn't even see myself in the mirror today. I would look at myself, but I wasn't even able to focus in, and all I could think was the word 'ugly'. It didn't matter if I looked the same as every other day...ugly...ugly...I was looking back at ugly. When I tried to see myself as a stranger, I saw an ordinary girl. Average. Looked again as if it was myself...ugly.

I'm afraid of losing myself to the monsters of my mind.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I think maybe we used to look a like, but more so when I was blond, and tanned..but thanks for checking out my site, and for commenting.

11:30 AM  

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