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Friday, February 18, 2005

stop pushing.

You can push yourself to reach new goals. You can push your boundaries to open new windows. You can push away the negative parts of your life to let some light in.

But you can also push people away. Push yourself too far. Push your body too far. Push love away. Push life away. And at some point you realize you have to stop pushing and start pulling.

When people hug me spontaneously I tense up and my body goes into defense mode. My arms gather at my chest and I'm unable to return the embrace.

When someone shows too much love for me, too much of a need for me in their life, all I want to do is turn around and run the other way.

I crave independence so badly I'm afraid to ask someone to catch me if I fall.

It's like when someone stares at you so knowingly that all you can do is look away. Or when your eyes have connected with someone and all you can think of doing is breaking the connection, saying something stupid, and moving your eyes somewhere else.

Sometimes I think guiltily to myself that I don't need anyone. That I'm better off without all the people who claim to love me. That all I need to achieve happiness is to be on my own: free to think and free to be.

But even towers fall, even the strongest men like to be held, and even supermodels slip on their heels.

I do need all the amazing people that keep my heart beating.

And then I think that if I push myself a bit harder; become stronger; smarter; sexier; more like someone or everyone else...then I will be happy.

The reality? I'm so much more when I'm just me. When I wear what I want, say what I mean, write how I feel, kiss who I please, and let myself stop and feel the breeze. When I stop pushing I can see that nothing needed to be re-arranged; that it's standing quite beautifully on it's own.

I opened my curtains to a bright blue sky today. I walked comfortably in my body. And I started pulling myself back up.



Blogger dbry said...

You are such a brilliant writer, truly. Do you write poetry, short storyies, or columns? Have you thought about getting your work published? (perhaps you already do.)

I think it's the human condition to always have some kind of this struggle, in up and down strengths in our lives. (And of course, some people more than others.)

10:00 AM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Thank you. Seriously..I'm struggling with the idea of trying to make a career out of my writing and what you're saying is what I need to hear.

I do write a lot poetry, am attempting a short story, and dream of writing my own column. I'm in my first year of journalism at university...and maybe someday I can make something out of myself; out of words.

8:02 PM  
Blogger dbry said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:33 AM  
Blogger dbry said...

I think you have found your calling! If you already aren't involved with various media at your college, I would start now. I waited until I was a junior to start writing for my school newspaper and really regretted it. Now that I am in grad school, I have started wrting for the creative arts magazine. I am sure your school has something like this. Which would be perfect for you. You would fit in in all these avenues, as you take beautiful photos, love poetry, short stories and your blogs are like essays. I also got my degree in PR, but most of the classes were journalism classes. These are pretty formal classes. If you can take some electives, try some creative writing classes. Or talk to whomever teaches it. Perhaps he can guide you as to where you should try to get published. You certainly have the talent!

11:35 AM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

Yeah, I'm going to make some more attempts to get published. You're right, better sooner than later. And then maybe I'll feel more inspired to make an effort in my journalism courses! Thank you so much for the encouragement.

7:21 PM  

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