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Thursday, February 17, 2005

your genetic make-up is beautiful

Why is it that somedays you feel ugly no matter what?

Why is it that around some people your solid self-esteem seems to dissolve into nothing?

I always think I'm past the ugly days. I thought I left those in the hydrogen lit hallways of high school. But some days I'm ugly. I'm tired, stressed out, my jeans aren't fitting right, my mascara's gathered on my eyelashes in clumps, or my body's not at one with my mind, and I lose all the sense of togetherness I so rightly earned.

Sometimes when I'm around people that know me too well I become self-conscious. There's nothing I can hide behind my clothing; they've seen my soul exposed.

My sociology texts discusses self-concept and mentions the 'looking-glass self', the way we think others see us. What do you see when you look at me? I have no idea.

I have trouble when people constantly speak of others looks. Totaling up the attractiveness points of those they know, of the zombies spread through beauty magazines. I become overly aware that I too have a face, have a body, and that I may not be much to them. Not much? But I want to be everything.

I'm pretty? Fuck you, I aim for beautiful.

So much of it is a state of mind.

I am still stabilizing my sense of self. It becomes rocky much too easily. I am still trying to push my thoughts into words that are coherent so that I can understand them. I am still trying to make my world one that I can live in as well as feel beautiful in.

My first step is to develop a clear sense of self.

The next step is to embrace it.


Blogger dbry said...

I just started reading your blog and I identify with so much that you say. I have gone though so much you that write about (and still do.) This post evoked the this thought: why is it that sometimes there are some people we so desperatly want to be ourselves around but can't? There are people I have known for years that I become a completly different person around and I hate that, yet I can't seem to be myself.

1:04 PM  
Blogger The Awkward Crew said...

I don't understand how you of all people can be so unsure or worried about your looks. You are gorgeous, no doubt about it. Its just self destructive to worry about it. I don't get it, you have mirrors right? I don't get it.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being pretty is so 04.
Ugly is the new beautiful, get with the friggin' times yo!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Gillian Young said...

If you look at beauty from a sociologists' perspective-I just completed my midterm-it's based on one's values. Maybe feeling ugly has nothing to do with what's in the mirror. I value much more than a pretty face.

In response to trying to be ourselves around some people but not being able to...I know the feeling. Sometimes it's out of need to be easier to get along with, or out of the need to relate; sometimes people just bring out the worst in us. There's a line in a poem that says 'anything or anyone/who does not bring you alive/is too small for you'.

And yeah...maybe ugly could be the new beautiful...

6:11 PM  

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