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Sunday, July 20, 2008

unpacking my suitcase

When I left Vancouver, I left with a heavy heart. I didn’t want to leave the slow pace of the city, the sight of the ocean everyday, my mornings outside on the balcony with a cup of tea, or the warmth of my parents' company.

I did a lot of thinking over the week, and one of the reasons I was reluctant to leave was that I was not happy with my life in Toronto. I knew I had to make some changes.

So I came back, took some advice from a health practitioner and started taking some nutritional supplements and changing my eating habits to improve my sleep.

I cried my heart out to my boyfriend about my fears and doubts. I cried more than I have in years. When we were done talking, I had a bath, and continued to cry into the tub of water. Tears of angst and unhappiness poured into my bathwater that night, and then I let them go down the drain before I went to bed. The next morning I went into work puffy eyed, and that day I made another decision.

In the evening, my relationship with my boyfriend had re-harmonized into something even more beautiful. With everything out on the table we could be ourselves again. The weight of work and stress was no longer had precedence over our love for each other. That evening I also wrote my two-weeks resignation.

After working almost a year in retail, it was starting to make me miserable. I had known for a long time that I wanted to leave, but my love for my manager, who treats me like gold, had been holding me back. Yet the thought of spending another month of feeling dead in my skin as I try to sell dresses to strangers was too much, and I quit. I was honest, and had me quitting been a breakup, it was like being told: “I love you and want to marry you, but you have to do what’s best for you.” In other words, my manager would have loved to keep me but she understood my need to go.

The next few days I walked to work. I wore no make-up. I ate my lunch in the sunshine, and lay down on benches before starting my shifts.

And as I shed these layers I knew I had to do something about my hair. My long extensions had matted themselves together in the back, leaving me feeling far from the sexy vixen they once did. So I had them taken out. And along with the fake hair, a considerable amount of my real hair came out with the extensions that had knotted together. Normally losing this much hair would make me cry. I was calm. I knew I had two decisions: get them back in, or let my hair rest and chop it off. With a little coaxing from my boyfriend, I decided to chop it off. My life long fear of cutting my hair suddenly became a thrill.

Yesterday morning, I sat in my hairdresser’s chair with a large grin on my face and watched my hair fall to the floor. I loved every second of it. That day, I went to in audition and gave it my all. I felt unstoppable.

In the evening, I celebrated a coworker with a decadent meal and martinis. Afterwards we had an older man with an honest face read our fortunes by candlelight.

I am celebrating myself right now. I was starting to lose touch with who I am, but as I take control over my life I find I’m slipping back into my own skin. Suddenly Toronto doesn’t seem so bad after all. I just had to re-arrange myself to get comfortable again.

hair cut


Anonymous Anonymous said...


You are the loveliest young woman I know. Great hair cut. Take care of yourself... Y

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your hair is beautiful, I think it makes you look more mature, and you do look happier.

I hope you get everything you want from life, because it would be a shame to see a light such as yourself fade away.

Much love

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Renee said...

Your hair looks amazing Gilgil,
I'm glad you're feeling better too..

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Saba said...

Gill, I love your blog! I just met with a professor who teaches entire courses on effective journaling,and then i read your blog again, and realized one of the reasons why its so great is that its such an effective journal for YOURSELF. Its real, its from you - i get the sense that if the internet had never been invented, you would keep a blog just like this in notebook form, only for yourself.

Aside from this strength, there are your obvious writing skills...i am now ashamed of my blog!

keep up the great work!

7:59 PM  
Blogger Robyn Burns said...


That's the 'do' I was telling you about. You know the one that I said would look magnifique on you!

Woah CTV Vancouver watch the heck out!

12:08 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

It's inspiring to find people who know enough about themselves to make a change when something isn't working. . . the world needs more people like you.

Your haircut is beautiful, your words are beautiful, and I am very much looking forward to reading about what life has in store for you!

5:30 AM  
Blogger CC said...

Congrats on taking the steps to improve your life! It's so hard, believe me I know, to not get bogged down with the "doing what has to be done" and do what you want to do. How exhilarating! I only hope that I too can figure out what I really should be doing and find a way to do it. Good luck with everything!

And btw, your new haircut looks fantastic!

9:51 AM  
Blogger Sky said...

what a chic cut! i think your hair looks healthy and vibrant.

glad you rearranged yourself into a comfortable place so you can enjoy your life again. every moment of life is valuable so i am glad you have removed the angst.

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Glad to hear you're pursuing what you want and things are falling into place. The new do looks fantastic...can't wait to see it next time I'm back from Edmonton.

8:08 PM  
Blogger bella said...

not sure how I stumbled upon your blog.
but I'm so happy to be here.
what you shared here, in such vivid and honest language, resonates deeply with me.
About letting things go.
About finding alignment with yourself and following your own truth, listening to that voice.
This was just a gift to read today.

10:51 AM  
Blogger molly said...

cutting your hair can be one of the most empowering feelings a girl can have. strange, but true. when my sister had cancer and lost her hair, i told her i'd shave my head, too. it felt amazing to support her, and i (and the b.f. at the time) loved it so much, i kept it that way for the next two years.

10:19 AM  

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