when we were young
As I look back on my writing I'm impressed with the young woman who moved to Toronto, walked around the city, went out dancing, and learnt to voice her concerns about love, life and herself. I am still that woman, and in many ways I have progressed, and in other ways I envy the honesty my writing once carried.
Still, I am proud of how far I've come. Now, as my university days have come to a close and I sit with one final exam on my shoulder, I feel happy, light, good about where I stand. Over these past years I've grown stronger, more experienced and better educated. I was reluctant to go to university in the first place, but I have no regrets about the four years I spent there or the year I spent living in Paris. I feel good about the decisions I've made and the person I've grown into.
The best part is acknowledging I still have a lot to learn. Maybe now, after university, I will be learning the most important lessons in life.
Monday, September 6, 2004
After days of finding myself without words, struggling to write emails, and leaving my journal pages a virginal white, I have decided to enter the world of blogging. I need to write for the sake of my sanity. I don't know where this will take me. I don't know how honest and ruthless I will be able to be. From now on however I am a journalist; I must grow accustomed to writing and writing truthfully. I recently read an article about a Starbucks worker who was fired for writing negative comments about the company in his blog. He said that none of his fellow workers had the address and that it was meant to be private; he soon discovered the internet is not private. Is it dangerous to post my heart and soul this publicly? I suppose it can be. Then again I've shared my poetry with many. It may not be as public as the internet, but I take a deep breath anytime anyone reads a poem of mine. These poems often say everything I can't, everything I'm too afraid to say out loud. Something inside me tells me to express myself in every way possible, and I feel keeping a blog is taking a big step forward.
My life has taken a big turn recently and it will be good to have somewhere to vent. I sit in my dorm room, seventeen years old, miles away from home, ready to emerge myself into a hands on journalism course. I am standing on the edge of everything. I feel numb and invigorated all at once. Everyday I wander the city of Toronto and take in everything around me. I like it best on my own, where my feet lead me where they want to, where I can stop into shops, touch fabrics, rifle through second hand books, and feed my senses. This city is alive and I can't get over the fact that it's two seconds outside my doorstep. My urban spirit is beaming in these surroundings, and so am I.
Self-portrait, first year of university.